Midas Journal 14

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This entry is a result of a combination of something I was meaning to do with this entry before, and an idea someone anonymous posted in a comment on the previous entry, which went incredibly well into what I wanted to do here. So, thanks to you, whoever you are. I'm probably going to use another idea from that batch of comments for the next entry, by the way; so your ideas are extremely appreciated. If you have any more please comment them here.

Entry: Apr 23

Almost a week. I managed to pull out almost a week of things being about as normal as they could possibly be now, with me knowing about Nekos and werewolves and fox-girls or whatever, and now this happened.

I think my concept of what's normal has seriously shifted since my birthday, okay. Like, I wouldn't have thought that having my best friend flirt with me and talking to a girl who is legitimately a witch about magic and occasionally turning into a girl to go shopping with someone who is inexplicably shorter and stronger than I am and likes to talk about how beautiful the moon is would be anything like normal. I don't get tired from turning into a girl anymore, by the way, and I can change that way as naturally as turn back into a guy, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. And I joined the group Adena and Tina are in, and yes there are a couple of guys in the group still and no I won't be changing them because they don't go to my school and the game does not involve physical contact in any way and I told them I have a thing about people touching me, which Adena backed me up on.

But none of that has to do what what happened today. Okay, no, wait, one of those things definitely has to do with what happened today. It has freaking everything to do with it.

I don't know how to deal with this, so I'm just going to go into what happened. Today on my way home from school, with Rio and Carla and anyone else I know happening to go home other ways which left me alone this time, I met up with Lue and she said she wanted to go shopping with me again today. I got her to agree to let met put my school junk down at home first, and change in private because I'm still not really comfortable with people seeing me do that, even when they already have before.

So I was Kayla, I'd managed to get myself to keep my clothes as jeans and a t-shirt this time, but of course both of them were a lot tighter, and more flattering I guess, by the time I was finished changing. And Lue led me down a different bunch of streets from the usual way we went to the mall, and when I asked her where we were going she said she wanted to bring a friend along. We finally stopped at a certain house, she went up and rang the doorbell while I stood awkwardly out in the yard, and she came back with a guy following her.

"Hey, so, Brian, this is Kayla; Kayla, Brian."

"Nice to meet ya," he said, and put out his hand to shake it.

Okay, so, I need you to understand that I can speak and think objectively about this right now because I'm a guy right now. But right in that moment, when I first looked at that guy, my brain kind of melted. I could feel my heart beating faster, and heat coming to my cheeks, and those weird feelings I got that one time I checked to see if girl-me was attracted to guys? Yeah, that happened. I fought to keep myself from acting weird, and just took his hand and shook it like a normal person.

And I can objectively say that, yeah, this guy was attractive. I mean, he looked really tall to me because I was shorter than normal, but not too tall I guess, and he looked strong but not bulky, his face was kind of normal, and his hair was bright-colored and spiky, but not too obnoxious. His clothes weren't exactly helping, either; he was wearing jeans and that was normal and okay but he was also wearing one of those sleeveless shirts designed specifically to show off a person's muscles. I mean, it's not like I didn't have a reason as a girl to be attracted to this guy but this was way out of proportion to that, and I didn't and don't know exactly what about him made it that way. But anyway, in other news, I didn't get the kind of feeling I would get when a guy was likely to be turned into a girl by me, either, so I didn't hesitate about the handshake at all.

I didn't even realize that I was sort of staring up at his eyes (they were yellow, and now that I think of it I probably should have realized that's not a normal color for a perosn's eyes) until Lue said, "Okay, let's get going." I managed to look away from him before the staring could get really awkward, but I was pretty sure he'd noticed it and I had no idea how to deal with the possibility that he knew I was attracted to him as much as I was and might be able to do something with that, like, I don't know, take advantage of it and manipulate me, or worse, actually let the feeling be mutual.

So I tried to keep myself calm, and my eyes on Lue the whole time. She talked her usual talk, and Brian seemed to be pretty used to her qurikiness, so I guessed I could assume they actually are friends. I tried to distract myself from his voice, which of course gave me small echoes of the reaction I'd had the first time I saw him, by focusing on the content of the conversation. By the time we got to the mall, I was able to speak normally without any of the kind of weird nervous wavering that kept trying to sneak into my voice.

At the mall, Lue led us through some stores selling clothes for both sexes and then some stores that sold things other than clothes like books and video games, and I managed to calm down a little more by focusing on shopping. I mean, that's really weird now that I've typed it out but yeah, doing something that I'm still pretty sure is just part of my misconceptions of what a girl is supposed to be like impressed on my mind by supermagic calmed me down from being really attracted to a guy, something I think I definitely could only do as a girl.

After that, Lue did something completely on purpose that I'm not totally sure I'm gonna be able to forgive her for. She suggested we all get some drinks at the food court, her treat, took us over there and had us sit down, and then left to go get the drinks. In case it isn't clear what I'm mad about, she left me alone with that guy.

Once she'd left us alone I knew it was a choice between looking at and trying to hold a conversation with Brian and just ending up getting worked up again, or awkwardly looking everywhere else and not saying anything, which in the long run would definitely tip him off to the whole me-being-attracted-to-him anyway. I guess I was sort of lucky I didn't get the chance to make that decision, since he just started talking anyway.

"Yeesh. This again?"

"Uh..what again?"

"Eh, let me tell ya. This is the third time this month Lue's tried to set me up with someone."

"Third time..?"

"Yeah. Sorry she dragged ya into this, Kayla."
"Oh, um.." I started to say something about how I was okay with it because of something something he was attractive but I stopped myself by literally biting my tongue. It didn't hurt all that much, you know, like when you intentionally bite some part of your mouth it never hurts the way it does when you do it by accident, but it did the trick anyway.

I looked at him another time and did a double-take. His ears had changed. Specifically, they were big furry triangles, I mean, not as big as Rhia's or Adena's (having points of comparison is really weird, by the way), and with rounded off ends instead of sharp ones, but they were definitely twitching animal ears, anyway.

"Um...don't take this the wrong way, but, uh, are you a werewolf?" I asked.

"Mnh? Oh, yeah, sure," he said, "same as Lue. She didn't tell ya that?"

"No. Also, what." I was getting better at ignoring being attracted to him and talking like myself again. This was a good thing, but what he was telling me was...I don't know, maybe not bad but definitely surprising.

"Heh. You know what a werewolf is but you didn't catch on she's one? Stronger than an ox, always jabbering about the moon? She's an alpha in the making, Kayl--can I call ya that?"
"Uh..sure." I don't blame people for wanting to get rid of syllables that waste time, but it was really strange that he'd accidentally invented a nickname for girl-me that is my actual name. I tried not to think about that.

"Alphas're always like that, you know. Trying to dominate people, push them around into where they want them to be. They don't really even do it on purpose, I don't think."

Lue came back with the drinks, and started a conversation about something else entirely, which Brian took up. I kept up with it, too, after resolving we were definitely going to have words later. I didn't think about what had just happened right just then, not until I was walking home alone, still as Kayla, and realized what exactly had happened. I was angry then, because Lue had tried to play matchmaker with someone she knows is really a guy, or would rather be a guy, and then I was scared, and I still am, because it almost worked, and I'm actually still not totally sure it didn't work.

That's why, after I was at home and a guy, after supper and I was in the general privacy of my room, I called her. She'd actually given me her number on one of our trips, I don't remember which one, but I'd never felt the need to call it before.

"Yo, what's up?" she said.
"What the heck do you think you're doing?!" I didn't actually mean to blow up at her, but I didn't want to waste any time on just saying hi or give her any opportunities to change the subject before I even got started.

"Oh, I think I'm sitting on my bed. You wanna know what I'm wearing?"
"Wh--you--you know what I'm talking about. Why did you..what are you trying to do?! I did not need to be introduced to a guy like that, okay? I am dealing with bizarre magical powers tied up in a huge ball of sexual confusion and trying to get me to date some guy is not going to make the situation better!"

"Oh, so you liked him?"
"That's beside the freaking point!!!" I wasn't yelling, by the way. I kept my voice down, but it was pretty clear I was mad. "If you're gonna do that again--if he's gonna be around, I'm not doing this anymore. I can't deal with it right now, okay?"

She stayed quiet for a few seconds or so. "..Alright, alright. So..I guess I really should come clean, then. Didya know I'm a werewolf?"

"Well not before today. Brian told me. You could have mentioned that, you know?"

"I wasn't sure you'd believe me. But anyway, you know any cliches about true love? How..once you've been in love with someone the first time, none of the other times are anywhere near as good?"
"Um..yeah. Where are you going with this?"
"Well, when you turned me into a sixteen-year-old girl--for which I am eternally grateful by the way,

I'm really not trying to antagonize you--I couldn't help but notice I was really attracted to you."

"Okay. That's happened a lot of times I've accidentally turned people into girls. Almost all of them, in fact."

"Ah, but you don't know werewolves, my friend. For us, it's different. We have a natural sense of loyalty, and once one of us is really into someone, it's harder to get back out. Way, waaaaaayy harder."

"So..wait..you're trying to tell me that you asked me to turn into a girl so you'd stop being attracted to me."

"You're sharp! Yep, and I didn't want to get you tied up with werewolf politics or anything, I didn't want to take over and tie you down. I knew if I asked you out and we started dating I'd get super possessive and any female friends you have would be in danger; the whole thing would be a big emotional mess for the both of us, and that'd be no way to show my gratitude." I noticed she'd stopped sounding like the impulsive girl I was used to. She sounded serious, and a lot more mature. "Also, I'm waaayy too young to make that kind of commitment right now. I'm not gonna waste my second youth constantly infatuated with some guy, I'm gonna make good use of it." Okay, that sounded a little more like normal Lue. I think. Can someone please remind me what normal is? Because I think it fled the country. And the world. And the universe.

"Okay..fine..then why did you keep coming to my house and making me turn into a girl to shopping with you?"
"Well, after our first meeting I honestly thought you were a really interesting person, and wanted to get to know you better. But I couldn't really do that with you as a guy."

"Do you have any idea how confusing it is for me to go back and forth between being a girl and a guy? I..look, I still don't understand my power, like, at all, but basically it lets me override my normal mind by turning into someone who thinks 'like a girl', and I'm still not even sure the person I am when I turn into Kayla is entirely me, but even if it's not I have to deal with her memories, and remembering spending a few hours being really feminine like that is just really weird and I have no idea how to deal with it."

"Um..I hadn't really thought of that, I guess. I'm sorry, I thought when you were able to turn into a girl so casually, especially the second time, maybe you were used to it?"

"Well, I don't think I ever will be used to it. And even assuming that, why did you try to..what was up with inviting Brian along today? I mean, I'm sure you've been a girl long enough to know he's kind of attractive and even if I'm used to changing my own sex back and forth that means I don't want to be tied to one or another, so why did you..?"

"Well..I thought maybe, if you had a reason to stay a girl a lot we could hang out more..and maybe if you had a beau I could remind myself of that even when you were a guy, and we could hang out like normal then, too. Also, he seriously needs a girl in his life..but that doesn't mean I needed to get you involved. Sorry about that."

"I--but..he already has a girl in his life, doesn't he? I mean, not like a girlfriend, but you're definitely a girl and friends with him, right?"
"Oh, yeah, sure, but I don't feel that way about him."
"Ugh..never mind, I don't even want to get into that. Look, just..I don't know what the heck I'm doing so if you want to take a guy along on one of our trips for some legitimate reason please let me know ahead of time, okay?"
"..You mean you still want to go on doing that, after what I've put you through? I think you might be more forgiving than is wise, Kael."

"Uh..look, hold on a second, okay. I need to talk to you as a girl, or this will sound really awkward, what I want to say to you."
"Okay."
Still sitting there on my bed, I turned myself into a girl. Even though the wave of changes came quickly, I still could feel every one of them happening, just like every other time. It's like even though I'm used to it in a way, it doesn't ever get any less strange. And when I was Kayla again, I said, "Okay, I'm back.

"...Lue, I really like you. I think you're a great friend, a wonderful and interesting person, too, and I want to stay your friend. But I don't want to do anything romantic, with anyone right now, not until I figure out about my weird girlifying power and how to control it, and I think it's safe to say..least of all with a guy. I'm not even sure I can meet Brian again without it getting really awkward, and he seemed like a pretty nice person, too. So please..don't ever do that again. But yes. I want to hang out with you sometimes, too. Maybe you could meet some of my friends, and I could meet some of your friends, and you could tell me some stuff about what it's like to be an awesome super-strong werewolf...but no more playing matchmaker, okay?"

"..Okay. That's fair enough. I'm glad we had this talk, Kayla."

"..Me too." She hung up after that, and after a deep breath and a few seconds of preparation, I turned back into a guy. Into me, I want to say, but I'm not even sure anymore.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. Today was a close call. I was telling Lue the truth about still wanting to be her friend, but if I keep practicing turning into a girl and "being a girl mentally" means sometimes suddenly being so interested in a guy that I almost lose every bit of my self-control..is it really worth it? Is this another horribly sexist misconception I have about girls that I need to worry about?

This sounds crazy, but maybe my power is deliberately sabatoging my attempts to control it, because I seriously don't think I've ruled out the possibility that it's sentient. No, that's nuts. Rio would tell me it's nuts. My powers are a part of me, and anything they're doing that I don't think I want them to do, they're doing it because some part of me does want them to do that. And..I have to admit, that scares me more than anything else.