Midas Journal 9

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Entry: Apr 6

I'm going to start this entry with some more stuff that happened last week, after the last one. I think it's important enough to put in this journal, and I didn't make a separate entry for it already, so it's going here.

First of all, last Wednesday night I tried becoming a girl again. It wasn't any easier or faster, and I was Kayla again when I was done, but...well, my bust was bigger. It wasn't by very much, but I knew it was bigger as soon as I was finished changing because it looked bigger and, well, weighed more. But I had no idea why. After trying to think of reasons for a minute or so, and making sure I was right that it was different at all, I just sort of shrugged it off and turned back, sure that I'd practiced enough for that night, and I didn't feel quite as tired as I had on Tuesday. I wasn't sure at the time if it was because I hadn't tried staying as girl-me for more than a minute or so, or because the practice was really helping. I think by now it might have been a little of both.

But that wasn't all. The next day, when Carla and I were walking home from school, she asked if I'd been working out. I said I hadn't, and wanted to know why, and she said, I looked...more "buff" than the day before. When I got home I had a good look in the mirror and found out she was right. I did look like I had exercised, my muscles had more definition than before. I tried stuffing my backpack with some books and picked it up, and it was easier to pick up than before. I didn't just look stronger, I actually was a little stronger. And that really confused me.

The only cause I could think of was two nights of turning into Kayla and back. By this point I'm assuming that being stronger was somehow related to the bigger chest I had Wednesday night. But neither of them makes any sense. When Carlos changed and turned back the first time, he didn't look any different. And when he went back to being Carla that day, she didn't look any different either. After thinking about it, I could only come up with two reasons that made any kind of sense. First of all, maybe practicing in magic actually makes a person's muscles stronger, since it does apparently tire you out. That doesn't explain the chest growth, but I don't like the explanation that does. What I mean is, when I changed on Wednesday night I didn't think about just being a girl so much as becoming Kayla again. I think I even might have pictured what I remember looking like as a girl. But maybe I was off by a little bit, and that image affected the exact body details of the body I turned into. And the same thing could have happened when I turned back.

Why would I be off? The only reason I can think of is that I was picturing Kayla as looking just a little "better", from my male perspective, than I did when I turned into her the first time. And then when I turned back, I might have thought of Kael's body as more, uh, "handsome" than I really am. But just the thought of me in any form thinking like that disturbs me. It means in some small way, maybe even uncontrollably, I am a pervert. It means I judge people based on their appearances, especially how attracted I think I am to someone of the other gender, more than I really want to believe I do. It means that if some part of my mind goes into the look that people take when I accidentally change them by touching them, it's probably making them look more "attractive" to me than they might if it wasn't there.

Rio said that my power might only target 'the right people'. I know she said that because I'm looking up at the entry from back when I first talked to her about it. But if the right people are people whose lives would get better if they were female, and if they would have looked differently without this..whatever from my own mind, then I'm imposing my own image of beauty on them. I can't imagine that anyone reading this will understand just how much that upsets me. I'm not even sure I understand why it's such a big deal. But, to me, it is. Maybe I've known about it in the back of my mind all this time, and that's why I've been feeling guilty. I don't know.

So I kept practicing, hoping I could get to where I won't just automatically change somebody. Around Friday, after three nights of practicing, I started getting some kind of weird extra sense to me. I could feel..I don't know...something when I was near Carla, Rio, or any of the others I've changed. And I could feel the same thing around a couple of guys I don't know who I'm fairly sure I haven't touched since my 18th birthday. So I stayed away from those guys that day, and nothing happened. I mean, no change happened. I think what I mean is that I seem to be developing a sense of who I will automatically change if I touch them, and that's a start. I like that.

Something did happen on Friday that wasn't me changing someone. Rhia came up to talk to me in P.E. She introduced herself, I said who I was, and then she asked if I wanted to go see a movie with her that night.

I was surprised, to say the least. "What? Are you asking me out?"

"Well, not if you don't want me to do. We could just go as friends, right?"
"Uh.." She was leaning forward and giving me a very eager, almost desperate kind of look. The ears didn't help my chances. "Sure, I guess."

"Great, thank you. Can we meet at the theater at 8?"
"Okay." As soon as she walked away, I tried to come up with a sensible reason why I had agreed to that at all. We aren't really friends, I mean, we just met as far as she seems to know. Well, I hadn't talked to her since the change, she might not even know I changed her. Maybe I'd get a chance to talk to her about it? I didn't tell Carla about it, or anyone else in particular really, but I hadn't made any plans for that night either.

So Rhia and I went to see a movie that night. It wasn't a date at all, and neither of us acted like it was. I was kind of surprised she didn't try to turn it into one, based on what Carla said the other day. And once we were back out in the theater parking lot I had a chance to speak with her alone.

"Hey, so, there's something I need to ask you," I said.

"Shoot."

In spite of the other people I've changed apparently remembering who they were before, I wasn't willing to make any assumptions. I started in as hesitantly as I could. "Um..well, your ears..have they always looked, like that?"

"Like what?" She was pretending to not know what I was talking about. I put one of my hands on top of my head and flapped it a couple of times. "Oh, that! Yeah, I've always had a few feline traits like that. Most people can't see 'em though."

"I know that. But, do you mean you've looked like you do now..for as long as you can remember?"

"Well, not exactly. I mean, I grew up from being way smaller, right?" It was one of those answers that could mean anything.

I needed to be more direct. "Look. I need to know if you remember anything unusual happening on March 23rd, Tuesday before last."

"Oh? You mean...like a major change, don't you?" I nodded. "Now that I think of it...you weren't too far away at the time, were you?"

"No, I wasn't."
"So you actually saw it happen? I didn't think anyone did."

"Well, I think the reason I saw it is, I may have been responsible." I paused to gather my thoughts. "Since my 18th birthday, I've had some kind of strange power that I don't understand, can't control, and sometimes changes the gender of people I touch."

"Oh, I see. So that's what you really wanted to talk about."

"Well, I can't help but feel bad about it. I want to know if you're okay with what happened."

She laughed. "If the worst thing that ever happens to me is turning into a hot chick, I think I might lead a charmed life. Oh, and since we're clear on what changes you were talking about, I might as well mention that I've always come from a family of Nekos, as we're called--both before and after. So these aren't new at all." She flicked an ear up and down, and chuckled.

I felt like I had to break the silence after a few seconds. "So why did you want to ask me out, anyway?"

"Well, I've been flirting with guys since I turned into a girl, but none of them have asked me out, you know? I have mostly the same friends, but none of the guys I already know are interested in me romantically at all. I thought you looked cute and thought, 'what the heck'. At least I might get a new friend outta the deal, huh?"
"I guess so." The first question that popped in my head was why she thought she needed anyone romantically interested in her in the first place. But it seemed...I don't know...rude? So instead I said, "I wouldn't mind being your friend. Right now this power is just weirding me out, and I don't know what to think. I'm not even sure if I should be attracted to someone I know was a guy before."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that. Think of it this way: People who can or happen to change genders are only the gender they've taken up at the present; who they're attractive and attracted to is a result of the present condition of their body, and can't and shouldn't have anything to do with whatever it used to look like. It's the kind of thoughts shapeshifters use to keep from getting too confused."

I wasn't sure if I followed that line of thought, much less agreed with it. But I still said, "Thank you."

"No worries. Thanks to you, too."

"Uh, for what?"
"Telling me why I turned into a girl all of a sudden. I thought for sure some really powerful mage either wanted me for a girlfriend or was just screwing with me. Anyway, I gotta get on home. See you around?"
"Sure...we do go to the same school." She laughed again, and started off toward her home. I went the other way to get to my home.

It was late, so I just went to bed that night. Since the next day was Saturday, I figured I could practice in the morning. So that's what I did. I turned back into the same Kayla from the last couple of nights, and then I decided to test something. I knew I wasn't attracted to girls, and it made sense that I would be attracted to guys, but I hadn't really checked. So I looked up some images of a few male actors that were supposed to be really good-looking. And...well...yeah. I was attracted to guys. Some of those pictures gave me feelings I had never had before, the kind only a girl can have I guess, and when that happened I could feel some heat in my cheeks. It felt...good, but very different and weird.

I had closed all of that out, and I was going to turn back, when my phone rang. I answered it by reflex, and Carla's voice was on the other end of the line.

"Hey, you wanna go shopping this afternoon?"

By now I realized what I'd done, and I tried to deepen my voice. "Uh, s-sure." It just sounded really silly, it was very obviously a girl imitating a guy's voice. I cleared my throat, and even that sounded undeniably girly.

"Are you okay, Kayla? Got something in your throat?"

I took a very small sigh of relief. "Uh, yeah, some water went down the wrong way a couple of minutes ago. I'll be alright." Now I was talking normally, my first time talking as a girl since that two-word phrase the first time I changed. It felt so...natural, and I was aware of how good my voice sounded just flowing like that. It was weird that I was thinking about my voice. As Kael, I don't really think of it at all. I guess it was because it was unfamiliar, because I don't have any memories of being this girl with the pretty voice. What I was going through here was different in that kind of way from what anyone I've changed has gone through.

"Okay, be ready in an hour," she said.

"Sure!"

I hung up and immediately changed back. I guess I could have just gone with it, stayed Kayla all day and taken cues about how she's supposed to act, but I really didn't want to deal with that that day. If I ever do something like that, I want it to be something I plan on doing, not just a spur of the moment decision. Then a copy of the conversation with me as a guy showed up in my memory, and Carla was asking if I wanted to play some video games over at her house. I shook my head to clear it.

So if I'm a girl everyone else remembers me as one, but if some event happens and I turn back, I remember a different version when I turn back into a guy, even though, for everyone I've changed, they and I both remember their lives as guys and as girls? I'm not really sure what that means.

I'm getting kind of off track from the reason I started this journal, but all of that stuff happened and I kept thinking I'd make an entry all about it, and I just never got around to it. Well, until today when I really had to make a journal. So...here's what happened today.

It was P.E. again. This time we were playing soccer. I should probably mention that our school does have a soccer team, and any sport fills the P.E. requirement, so when P.E. class plays soccer we aren't very good at it. One of the guys on the other team was one of the ones that I got that weird 6th sense about, so I tried to stay away from him. But then, when I wasn't looking, he ran straight into me.

This wasn't a small guy like Tim had been, and he was running full-tilt. I was knocked flat, but he was nice enough to stop to make sure I was okay.

I didn't want to change this guy. His hair was a tiny bit longer when I saw him holding his hand out to help me up, and while I was letting him help him up and insisting I was okay my mind was concentrated on one thought: don't change that guy. I watched him while I dusted myself off, and I didn't notice any changes, so I kept concentrating. I was happy, it looked like the practice was paying off. I wasn't really sure how long I had to keep saying it to keep some kind of delayed reaction from happening, so I kept on thinking don't change him. Every once in a while I would steal a glance at him, and at first I was sure it was still working. But then I noticed that his hair, and his shirt..looked paler than before. I kept trying to not change him anyway.

The next time I looked, they were even paler, his hair was down to shoulder length, and his jeans were turning black. And then, a few minutes later, his hair was halfway down his back, his shirt was tight and showed a chest that...wasn't quite flat. His pants, which looked like they were made of cloth by now, had this strip joining them in the middle, but only toward the top. The bottom was tighter on his legs, like it had shrunk a little bit. He was a pretty muscular guy, and his legs and stomach showed it with the tight clothes on him.

I saw him again, and his shirt and hair had both turned completely white. Those muscles were looking...well...deflated a little, and his stomach was narrower. His chest was two distinct little lumps now, and they were starting to move around a little bit when he ran. There was a seam between the lower part of his pants and the upper part now, and the upper part was turning red.

I kept trying to stop it, I even tried concentrating on turning him back to completely male. But it didn't do any good. It wasn't long before his hair reached his hips. His shirt got buttons all the way down the middle, and the top and bottom parts of his pants separated entirely. Now he was wearing a short skirt and hose, and the skin showing between them was smooth and hairless (as far as I could tell, from sneaking a short look). His arms were, too. I could barely see a hint of the muscles he'd had before. The skirt didn't hide the fact that his hips were wider than before, and the tight shirt made very clear the fact that his chest was now two very pronounced globes. I wasn't even sure he was still male. He was yelling something about the game, I don't remember what, but his voice had officially crossed over.

It wasn't much longer before a ribbon showed up in his hair, and another one in front of the now very big chest. Okay, by now they were boobs. And the skirt had a frilly black fringe, pleats, and some kind of checkered pattern of shades of red. His arms and legs had none of the muscle from before, and they were girly thin. Well, okay, they should have been. I wasn't looking at a changing guy anymore, now she was completely changed.

My memory of being run over by him got a copy where I was run into by her, and she kind of leaned her upper body back while she was helping me up...almost like she was trying to get me to look up her skirt. I remembered very pointedly not looking that way, but not exactly how she reacted to that. I think she noticed me looking at her again after gym was over, and she got this..smirk on her face, and stuck her tongue out at me just a little bit. I looked away as fast as I could.

Was she flirting with me? Less than half an hour after turning into a girl? That was what I was thinking when a bunch of thoughts suddenly flashed through my head all at once. First I suddenly remembered the first time Carlos became Carla, she just kissed me. Carla always teases me, but never went that far since or again. And is being grateful for getting a new start the only reason Rio is trying to help me out? And was Sarah looking at me when she blushed? Why did Rhia single me out as looking 'cute'?

I had to take a deep breath to keep myself from having a panic attack, and I promised I would think about it when I had time. Just then, I really needed to get to my next class. I managed to keep it out of my mind by constantly focusing on something else all the time, but I guess now I have time to think about it. What does it mean? Am I imagining half of these things, or is the fact that I'm slightly more muscular than before from whatever happened the second time I turned into Kayla and back really that huge a difference in how girls look at me? Or is it because something about my power actually makes the people I change suddenly become attracted to me?

Okay, to be honest that was the first thing that jumped in my head. But I really don't want that to be true. It makes the whole imposing-my-idea-of-beauty that much worse, and it raises even worse questions. Is my power literally good for nothing but being a huge pervert? Is the entire freaking universe encouraging me to be one? I really hope not.

That's all I really have for tonight. I need to do some thinking. Maybe I'll come up with something, or maybe Rio will find something that explains everything. Whatever happens, it'll probably be in the next entry I guess.