Monday, January 9, 2012

Midas Journal 11




Entry: Apr 9
Today I tried out what Kayla suggested last night, but it wasn't exactly how I had planned to do it. Well, I guess I'd better start from the beginning again.

I was walking home, alone this time because Carla had some practice to attend, and I was cutting through a park. There was someone jogging or sprinting around the path, for exercise, I guess, and we didn't see each other. He ran into me, and I was knocked flat on my back, probably because he was running faster but he might have just been stronger too, or something. I pushed myself up with my arms, ready to apologize for not paying attention, but I stopped when I noticed that I had that feeling about him. I'm fairly sure this is about the third or fourth time this week I've had someone run into me and turn into a girl, and honestly it's getting a little annoying. I'm starting to wonder if they're doing it on purpose or if getting run into is some kind of weird part of my power that I can't control. But anyway, I knew I couldn't stop it so this time I just looked up and watched.

I noticed that he was an older guy, his hair was gray and he had some wrinkles and even some scars from old cuts. I didn't really know what to expect, I don't think anyone I've changed before was much older than young adult. He was tall and looked like he was fit, not too skinny or fat, and he was wearing a jogging suit, one of those matching sweatshirt-sweatpant sets. It didn't take me long to notice he was getting visibly younger. His hair's color was turning to a bright brown, and his skin was starting to smooth over and turn a brighter color, and even the scars looked like they were healing.

His clothes started to get tighter and thinner, and from about the top half of his legs up they were turning a brighter color, too. I could see that this guy was really strong and muscular at first, but then his arms and legs started to get slimmer and lose all the tone to them. His sleeves were getting shorter, but his shirt was getting longer. He looked like he must be in about his twenties now, and I looked at his face to find it was getting a little bit rounder and smaller. His stomach looked flat under the shirt, and now it was getting thinner, too, and I noticed he was starting to lose height.

His hair started to grow out around his face, and a small part on one side of the forehead tied itself up in a pink rubber-band thing. His shirt was now completely white, except for the ends of the sleeves, the edge of a collar that had formed on the top, and the part that had grown out, all of which had both turned a darker pink. The bottom part, which reached about halfway to his knees now, suddenly spread out and folded itself together into a skirt, separating from the top part. Then I noticed that the top part of his pants had separated from the bottom part and was getting shorter, and tighter between his legs. I looked farther down and saw thin, tight black stockings covering his legs the rest of the way down.

I looked back up, trying to keep my eyes off of the tiny bright thin cloth at the top of his legs, and saw that the skirt and sleeve edges had turned to some kind of striped or plaid pattern, I don't know what it's called, with some different shades of pink on them. I also noticed that two dark blue straps had formed on top of one of his shoulders and were growing downward, and then I saw that his chest was forming little bumps on each side.

I was fairly sure he'd turned into a girl by now, and I could see the bumps swelling out while some kind of tie in the same pattern as the skirt grew down between them, reaching about the middle of her stomach before it was through. Pretty soon the straps from earlier had grow into some kind of huge bag, a purse, maybe, but it was big. I looked back up to her face and found out the chest had stopped growing at a pretty noticeable size, and for some reason there was a piece of toast in her mouth. Yeah, that was different.
Without using her hands at all, she somehow managed to pull the whole piece of bread in her mouth, eat it and swallow it in what felt like just a few seconds. Then she looked down at me, as if she hadn't even noticed I was there before. "Hi!" she said, "I'm Lue, and you?" (I think that's how it's spelled). Her voice was really high and cheerful.
"Kael."
She came closer and bent down at the waist to get her head closer to mine. "What'cha doin' on the ground, Kael?"
"Uh, I just fell."
"Well I can do something about that!" She reached her free arm forward, grabbed my hand, and pulled me up, and I found out something that I did not expect. She was really strong. If I had tried to stay on the ground I feel like I could've had my arm pulled out. Once I was standing up in front of her, and I had to look down to see her face, she said, "So what happened to me when you fell over?"
"I'm really sorry, I can't control it, I've been trying but--" I was cut off by her laughing.
"Don't be silly! What are you apologizing for, being a fountain of youth? But I do wonder, if you can do that to me, can you do it to you, too?"
"Well, um, I guess so."
"Would you show me?" She had wide eyes and this huge eager grin. I didn't really want to do it, since I hadn't changed anywhere but my own room before, but then I thought, Well, it's only fair I guess. I know that doesn't make sense now, I'm still not sure why I did it. But, after a quick look around to make sure there was still nobody else to see (and there wasn't) I crossed my arms in front of my stomach so each hand was touching the other arm, and focused.
This time I focused on becoming a girl, but only physically and mentally. I wasn't really sure what that meant, being mentally a girl, but I guess I hoped my power would know. I guess it did? In only a second or so, I could feel my arms tightening again, the hair on the arms my fingers were touching receding. Then my shirt changed, buttons forming all down the middle, the collar pulling down to a V shape, and I could feel a bra attaching itself to my back and shoulders. My face tingled for a second, and then my hair grew out past my shoulders. The..blouse, I guess it was, started getting tighter on my stomach, and my stomach shrank under it.
Then I started to get shorter, and it felt different outdoors. It was like the whole world around me was getting taller, trees rising, grass getting closer, Lue in front of me getting taller until I was barely any taller than she was. At the same time, my jeans were getting tighter on my legs, and my legs were pushed tighter and thinner. My hips loosened, stretched, whatever, and I could feel my boxers underneath getting shorter and tighter the whole time. Then I felt it happen, I was female again, and suddenly I wasn't attracted to the girl in front of me anymore.
It was so weird: I knew she was attractive, but it was like I suddenly felt none of that attraction myself. It was kind of a relief. I mean, being attracted to someone is really kind of awkward, especially in my situation. I was suddenly aware that I wouldn't mind physical contact with her, that it wouldn't be awkward, that she would be okay with it too. And....something about that...I liked. It felt like we could be friends without any risk to it. While all these thoughts were running through my head, I could feel my chest swelling again, until it had filled the bra and given the blouse some cleavage to show.
Lue was grinning. "Say, why're you blushing? You make a cute girl!"
"W-well, I've never done this in front of anyone before," I said, trying to cool off the heat in my cheeks that I only noticed now that she'd pointed it out. "This is the first time I've, used my power on myself anywhere but my own home."
"Wow, really? Then you should stick with it for a while!" She suddenly got beside me and put her arm across my shoulder. It was a gesture of..friendship, I guess, and I returned it without even thinking about it. "What do you say we go to the mall or something?"

"Sure, okay," I said. She'd been stronger than me as a guy, and girl-me was much weaker. I'm not sure I like that...but the point is, she was starting to pull me along with her, and I couldn't physically resist her. Somehow I didn't really want to, too. While we were walking, I said, "You seem to be taking this whole 'bizarre magical power' thing really well."

She laughed again. "Well, I'm a loon, love to bark at the moon. It's easy enough for me to accept anything."
So for the rest of the afternoon I guess I got a real experience of being what a girl is like. After the first five minutes or so it didn't feel unnatural the way it has before. My voice and my body felt like they were mine, like I'd had years to get used to them. When we got to the mall I found out something really weird: I actually knew about fashion somehow. I mean, I could look in the window of a women's clothing store, I knew what everything in it was called and I even had some idea of whether or not I would look good in certain clothes. Even weirder, I caught myself sizing up guys walking around a couple of times. It didn't even occur to me at first that I'm usually a guy, and that scared me a little. I guess all that shouldn't have surprised me so much, since I told my power to make me a girl mentally, but I really don't like knowing I have a power that can alter a person's mind so much they don't even know the difference if they're not really thinking about it.
And, is that really what a female mind is like, or is it just what I think being female mentally means? I actually think it's just what I think it is, but if that's so I think that makes me sexist of some kind, and I don't like that. I didn't even think that some of the differences I noticed were things I thought girls in general had or did or thought, but I can't really think of any other explanation.

Lue was with me the whole time, and we were mostly just walking and talking back and forth. She's..weird, that's about the best way I can put it. She would say really bizarre things out of nowhere or change the subject in the middle of a sentence, all with this cheerful tone like she didn't even know she was doing it. I can't say for sure I really learned anything about her, even though I know I told her some things about myself. After a few hours we left and I changed back before going home.
After a while it occurred to me that my power actually changed Lue's age by at least a decade. I mean, I don't remember for sure but I don't think anyone else really got that much younger, definitely not that much older...and I started to wonder if I could actually control age changes. So tonight I turned myself back to the physically-mentally female form, and then tried using my power on that form again to be a couple of years younger. It worked, which means I can actually change a form once it's finished changing--or at least my own. I'm not sure if it would work as well on someone else. But, anyway, next I tried going up a few years, to about twenty. That worked too. I tried going much farther in the young side, to age 11, and, it was really weird going through backwards puberty as a girl. It was even weirder going through it forward again in the span of about two minutes to get myself back to my actual age. I had these huge, fast mood swings while I was changing, and even for a minute or two after that, and when I was over them I decided not to send my age that far back again.
After that, it occurred to me, like I said earlier, that I can actually make changes to, at least my own form, after I finish going to it. So I tried making a few small changes and then going back, just to see what I could do. I was able to turn my hair red, blonde, and even an unnatural blue color. I could make myself a few inches taller or or shorter. I found out I could even change the clothes I was wearing, the color or material. I don't think any of this has a real use or anything (I mean the small changes in look, I know being some kind of bizarre fountain of youth would probably be helpful to some people), but I guess Rio would tell me knowing more about my power is a good thing.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Fun Times

Midas Journal 10



Part of the reason there's no change in the following entry is that it was originally going to be just the first part of the next one, but because of a certain detail it became pretty clear they'd need to be two separate entries.

Also, just for the record, when I say real life is too busy for me to write that generally means I'm not even writing little bits of things because I literally don't have time to.


Entry: Apr 8
Today during school I had a chance to talk with Rio, and she wanted to know how my...uh...practicing was going. Since my parents weren't going to be home for a little while, I said we should maybe meet at my house so we could talk in more private than the coffee shop, and she agreed. So, after school, I explained mostly what I talked about here the other day. I was able to turn myself into a girl, but didn't have any change in memory, the weird body 'improvement' thing, the weird sense I was developing and that it wasn't exactly helping me stop from changing people. She let me get through ranting all of that before she said anything.

"Don't worry about it," she said, "that's good news--it means you're getting better. You ever hear the expression 'Rome wasn't built in a day'?"
"Sure."
"Well, magic-user types got so tired of telling their students that one they made up five or six equivalent clichés. The point is, progress isn't fast with this kind of thing, any more than exercising a muscle would be. I think the idealizing might just be a natural aspect of your power."
"Yeah, but it makes me hate it even more."
"How so?"
"I can't...okay, look, I basically just got through telling you that what you look like--right now--and maybe not even just that--might be the result of my own idea of what makes a girl beautiful or hot. That--that doesn't bother you at all?"
She shrugged. "Only when you put it that way. But really, all that sort of thing is conditioned by society anyway, so I'm not too ugly by everyone else's standards, and that's a good thing."
"Okay, okay wait. This..this is what the problem is. Based on everything I know about it so far, my power is literally intended for someone who is a complete perv and just wants pretty girls to like him, and probably more than that. How am I supposed to deal with that?!"
She nodded. "I can see how that could bother you, but I have to tell you, magic isn't specifically intended in any way. Look at it like this--does your personality change your hair color? Is your eye color specifically designed for someone with your particular interests?"
"Well, no, but usually someone who's talented with something is also really into it."
"But they don't have to be. There have been people with huge potential in one field who went into something altogether different. Like, imagine a child prodigy musician who ended up going into math and barely wrote half a bar. Sure, a lot of people in the music world would say his talent was wasted, but if he's any good at math he helped the world in a whole different way. It's not hard to imagine that happening, right?"
"Yeah, but I don't imagine music would instantly play whenever he was in the same room as an instrument."
"..Granted. Still though, everyone you've changed has been happy with it. Maybe you're like some kind of genie or something, giving people what they really want."
"And in exchange they have to be pretty girls."
"That's not too huge a price, if you ask me."
"I-ignoring how bad that makes me feel for now, what if someone wants something horrible, like the power to easily murder or steal people's free will?"
She shrugged. "I don't know the whole nature of your power, but you haven't seen it work that way yet, have you? Has a single person you've changed ended up having--and using--evil superpowers?"
"I guess not."
"Besides, I'm sure if someone started doing that I'm sure you could find someone else who wants to stop them."
"Great, so everyone I ever come into contact gets accidentally contracted into a magical girl war. That's...I don't even know how to describe how stupid and weird that would be."
"It's still all hypothetical, though. Besides, if you can give someone powers like that--and as far as we know you can't--I'm sure you could take them away with enough practice."
"Okay, yeah, this conversation's gotten way out of hand. I just wanted to tell you what was going on, and show you what Kayla looked like."
"Kayla?"
"Girl-me. It was on a nametag or something. I'm going to change in my room, because the last few times I did it I ended up in underwear and I'd rather not do it in front of anyone anyway. I'll be back in a couple of minutes."

After that I went into my room. That whole conversation up there was not the reason I felt the need to write this entry. The reason is because of what happened next. I had honestly forgotten about Carla calling me the other day (I know I know, it's right up there, but I only look at this when I'm writing it near midnight), but this..this was beyond weird. I went into my room and turned into Kayla--this time for some reason my clothes didn't all turn into underwear and I was actually wearing jeans and a t-shirt--and came back out. Rio was not there. Sitting in the same place was a guy I didn't recognize, except...he looked kind of like he could've been her older brother. He looked a little confused.

He said, "Kayla? I thought you were going to turn into a guy."
"What."
"That's what you said before you went into your room, right? You were going to come back and show me what the guy version of you looked like?"
I think my brain shorted out for a minute or two. I started pacing and stammering, what I can remember of it is a lot of, "I, but--you were---and me--ghhhkt." The guy looked kind of worried when I finally calmed down, and sat down on a chair across from him. "Humor me for a minute."
"Okay."
"What is your name."
"Rion, remember?"
"Still humoring me. How do you know me?"
"...I tried to mug you and you turned me into a younger guy."
"You were female before."
"Uh, yeah..."
"Okay, look. The person you are talking to right now, is not the person you have met or know or whatever. I have absolutely no idea why and I can barely comprehend how, but I have temporarily changed places with her."
"Um, alright...then, who are you?"
"I'm Kael. On my eighteenth birthday I developed a weird power to turn people into girls. When I tried using it on myself I looked like this. Does that sound at all familiar to you?"
"Sure, almost exactly like, um, Kayla, but..the other way around."
"Okay. Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go into Kayla's room for a few minutes, and then Kayla will probably come back out and stop talking in the third person about herself."
"Alright." I could tell he was still extremely confused, but I didn't want to stick around for much longer. Why? Well...um...as a girl...I was starting to notice he was kind of...not ugly. I needed to be me again as fast as possible, or at least that's what I was thinking when I headed back to my/Kayla's room.

Then I had an idea. I remembered that I wrote in this journal when I was Kayla. I went and looked in my/her computer, and sure enough, it was there. So I went and found a piece of paper, and wrote down where this folder is hidden in the computer. In that computer and this one, same place. I put it down on the keyboard. Then I changed back. I have no idea what's going on with this, but maybe that will give me some kind of clue. Anyway, I changed back and went out to find Rio back where she'd been before. She was looking at me kind of funny, like the way you look at someone who did something completely nuts out of nowhere and you're not sure if they're back to sanity yet or not.

"Hey," I said, sitting down across from her.
"...Hi?"
"Let me guess. I walked back in here, still looking like this, and explained to you that I was a girl named Kayla in a guy's body."
"...Yeah."
"Just to set the record straight, I'm me now. Not that other person. But I had a very similar conversation with a guy who looked a little like you. Does this mean that my power includes the ability to create alternate universes?"
"Maybe...but since time travel magic is possible--though extremely difficult, to the point of being impractical for even the most obvious of uses--it's possible an alternate universe already existed and your power just moves consciousnesses around somehow."
"And the Kayla in that universe just happens to change into me whenever I change into her."
"I....would assume so, that's the only way it would make sense."
"I think I'm going to have a headache for the next twenty years or so. Do you even believe this is happening? I have to admit, I think I'm going crazy now more than ever before."
"Look, I think we've talked enough for me to call you my friend, okay? You're my friend and I trust you, what you saw I believe you actually saw. I may not understand everything of what's going on, any more than you do, but since I'm a witch and you have the power to turn guys into girls, and sort of alter reality to make the change easier to deal with, I can't throw out any possibility unless I've got a really good reason to. Besides, Kayla-in-your-body was pretty insistent about not being you."
"Okay. Thank you."
"And by the way, while you were in your room the first time I thought of something."
"Yeah?"
"Maybe the reason people you change are attracted to you at first is just a sudden rush of hormones. Actually, that might even be part of the reason your body started looking different after the first time you changed. It could at least be a part of it, right?"
"...I guess so. But it seems like it was a little too all-at-once for that to be the whole reason."
"I know. Just thought I'd mention it."

After that, Rio left, Hey and the rest of the afternoon was pretty normal. I can't really think of anything else to what was that? Hi Kael! Who are you and how are you editing this? It's me, the other 'you'! <3 So wait, you're, the Kayla that talked to Rio in my body? Yep. Why are you typing in blue? It's my favorite color and I wanted to get your attention. Okay. So that means that this same file actually exists in both our universes, and is literally the same file? I guess so. I was reading through this and noticed the new entry showing up and thought I'd see what would happen! This has got to be the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. How so? I am practically talking to myself. Well, not exactly. I mean it looks to me like we're two different people! That headache I mentioned earlier? Did you read that part? Yeah, what about it? I think I need to extend it to my entire lifespan. However long I live, I am never going to stop having a headache. If you say so. Why worry about it, though? What do you mean? I mean, sure, there's another universe that's a lot like yours and has a person who is sort of like you and in a similar place to you, but what difference does that make? How does that NOT make a huge difference? I think that should be obvious. Is it really gonna effect your everday life? I'm guessing you don't have an answer since you're not saying anything. But anyway, I just thought of something I think might help us both out. What's that? Well, I was thinking about how you describe the way you change, and I do the same thing. You specifically tell yourself to 'be Kayla', right? Yeah. Well, doesn't 'being you' include being in the universe where being you makes sense? I'm not sure what that means. Well it's really hard to be really sure you're you without someone else around to recognize you! I don't know if I agree, but go ahead anyway. What if instead of saying to 'be' each other completely, which includes moving to each others' universes or whatever, we just concentrate on becoming the other gender physically and maybe mentally, but definitely staying in our own universes? Sure, it couldn't hurt to try I guess. Great! Anyway I've gotta go to bed, I don't know if it's the same time here it is there, but it's past midnight here! Okay, that's fine. Uh, in the interest of not making my lifelong headache worse, can we maybe not have these schizophrenic conversations every time I write one of these things? Sure! I probably won't even check this all that often. But if I have something to say to you I'm sure gonna say it! Fine. Maybe you can tell me if I'm starting to really go insane, instead of just seeing and hearing things that make me think I'm insane. Well if you want to not go insane try to loosen up and enjoy life a little more, okay? Sure, fine, and one more thing. Yeah? Please do not make any less-than-three hearts at me again. If talking to another version of myself is weird, any implication of that other self being attracted to me is even weirder. Oh wow, you do take everything real seriously. I didn't mean it like that, silly! Anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay g'night!


(This is about five minutes later) I think...I think that conversation should speak for itself. I can't even begin to describe how bizarre this is. I guess...I'll try what she suggested next time I practice. Anyway. Yeah. I hope I don't have to write again for like a week so I can get my head straight about all of this. It's probably too much to ask of whoever or whatever is in charge, though. Oh well.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Midas Journal 9



Entry: Apr 6

I'm going to start this entry with some more stuff that happened last week, after the last one. I think it's important enough to put in this journal, and I didn't make a separate entry for it already, so it's going here.

First of all, last Wednesday night I tried becoming a girl again. It wasn't any easier or faster, and I was Kayla again when I was done, but...well, my bust was bigger. It wasn't by very much, but I knew it was bigger as soon as I was finished changing because it looked bigger and, well, weighed more. But I had no idea why. After trying to think of reasons for a minute or so, and making sure I was right that it was different at all, I just sort of shrugged it off and turned back, sure that I'd practiced enough for that night, and I didn't feel quite as tired as I had on Tuesday. I wasn't sure at the time if it was because I hadn't tried staying as girl-me for more than a minute or so, or because the practice was really helping. I think by now it might have been a little of both.

But that wasn't all. The next day, when Carla and I were walking home from school, she asked if I'd been working out. I said I hadn't, and wanted to know why, and she said, I looked...more "buff" than the day before. When I got home I had a good look in the mirror and found out she was right. I did look like I had exercised, my muscles had more definition than before. I tried stuffing my backpack with some books and picked it up, and it was easier to pick up than before. I didn't just look stronger, I actually was a little stronger. And that really confused me.

The only cause I could think of was two nights of turning into Kayla and back. By this point I'm assuming that being stronger was somehow related to the bigger chest I had Wednesday night. But neither of them makes any sense. When Carlos changed and turned back the first time, he didn't look any different. And when he went back to being Carla that day, she didn't look any different either. After thinking about it, I could only come up with two reasons that made any kind of sense. First of all, maybe practicing in magic actually makes a person's muscles stronger, since it does apparently tire you out. That doesn't explain the chest growth, but I don't like the explanation that does. What I mean is, when I changed on Wednesday night I didn't think about just being a girl so much as becoming Kayla again. I think I even might have pictured what I remember looking like as a girl. But maybe I was off by a little bit, and that image affected the exact body details of the body I turned into. And the same thing could have happened when I turned back.

Why would I be off? The only reason I can think of is that I was picturing Kayla as looking just a little "better", from my male perspective, than I did when I turned into her the first time. And then when I turned back, I might have thought of Kael's body as more, uh, "handsome" than I really am. But just the thought of me in any form thinking like that disturbs me. It means in some small way, maybe even uncontrollably, I am a pervert. It means I judge people based on their appearances, especially how attracted I think I am to someone of the other gender, more than I really want to believe I do. It means that if some part of my mind goes into the look that people take when I accidentally change them by touching them, it's probably making them look more "attractive" to me than they might if it wasn't there.

Rio said that my power might only target 'the right people'. I know she said that because I'm looking up at the entry from back when I first talked to her about it. But if the right people are people whose lives would get better if they were female, and if they would have looked differently without this..whatever from my own mind, then I'm imposing my own image of beauty on them. I can't imagine that anyone reading this will understand just how much that upsets me. I'm not even sure I understand why it's such a big deal. But, to me, it is. Maybe I've known about it in the back of my mind all this time, and that's why I've been feeling guilty. I don't know.

So I kept practicing, hoping I could get to where I won't just automatically change somebody. Around Friday, after three nights of practicing, I started getting some kind of weird extra sense to me. I could feel..I don't know...something when I was near Carla, Rio, or any of the others I've changed. And I could feel the same thing around a couple of guys I don't know who I'm fairly sure I haven't touched since my 18th birthday. So I stayed away from those guys that day, and nothing happened. I mean, no change happened. I think what I mean is that I seem to be developing a sense of who I will automatically change if I touch them, and that's a start. I like that.

Something did happen on Friday that wasn't me changing someone. Rhia came up to talk to me in P.E. She introduced herself, I said who I was, and then she asked if I wanted to go see a movie with her that night.

I was surprised, to say the least. "What? Are you asking me out?"

"Well, not if you don't want me to do. We could just go as friends, right?"
"Uh.." She was leaning forward and giving me a very eager, almost desperate kind of look. The ears didn't help my chances. "Sure, I guess."

"Great, thank you. Can we meet at the theater at 8?"
"Okay." As soon as she walked away, I tried to come up with a sensible reason why I had agreed to that at all. We aren't really friends, I mean, we just met as far as she seems to know. Well, I hadn't talked to her since the change, she might not even know I changed her. Maybe I'd get a chance to talk to her about it? I didn't tell Carla about it, or anyone else in particular really, but I hadn't made any plans for that night either.

So Rhia and I went to see a movie that night. It wasn't a date at all, and neither of us acted like it was. I was kind of surprised she didn't try to turn it into one, based on what Carla said the other day. And once we were back out in the theater parking lot I had a chance to speak with her alone.

"Hey, so, there's something I need to ask you," I said.

"Shoot."

In spite of the other people I've changed apparently remembering who they were before, I wasn't willing to make any assumptions. I started in as hesitantly as I could. "Um..well, your ears..have they always looked, like that?"

"Like what?" She was pretending to not know what I was talking about. I put one of my hands on top of my head and flapped it a couple of times. "Oh, that! Yeah, I've always had a few feline traits like that. Most people can't see 'em though."

"I know that. But, do you mean you've looked like you do now..for as long as you can remember?"

"Well, not exactly. I mean, I grew up from being way smaller, right?" It was one of those answers that could mean anything.

I needed to be more direct. "Look. I need to know if you remember anything unusual happening on March 23rd, Tuesday before last."

"Oh? You mean...like a major change, don't you?" I nodded. "Now that I think of it...you weren't too far away at the time, were you?"

"No, I wasn't."
"So you actually saw it happen? I didn't think anyone did."

"Well, I think the reason I saw it is, I may have been responsible." I paused to gather my thoughts. "Since my 18th birthday, I've had some kind of strange power that I don't understand, can't control, and sometimes changes the gender of people I touch."

"Oh, I see. So that's what you really wanted to talk about."

"Well, I can't help but feel bad about it. I want to know if you're okay with what happened."

She laughed. "If the worst thing that ever happens to me is turning into a hot chick, I think I might lead a charmed life. Oh, and since we're clear on what changes you were talking about, I might as well mention that I've always come from a family of Nekos, as we're called--both before and after. So these aren't new at all." She flicked an ear up and down, and chuckled.

I felt like I had to break the silence after a few seconds. "So why did you want to ask me out, anyway?"

"Well, I've been flirting with guys since I turned into a girl, but none of them have asked me out, you know? I have mostly the same friends, but none of the guys I already know are interested in me romantically at all. I thought you looked cute and thought, 'what the heck'. At least I might get a new friend outta the deal, huh?"
"I guess so." The first question that popped in my head was why she thought she needed anyone romantically interested in her in the first place. But it seemed...I don't know...rude? So instead I said, "I wouldn't mind being your friend. Right now this power is just weirding me out, and I don't know what to think. I'm not even sure if I should be attracted to someone I know was a guy before."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that. Think of it this way: People who can or happen to change genders are only the gender they've taken up at the present; who they're attractive and attracted to is a result of the present condition of their body, and can't and shouldn't have anything to do with whatever it used to look like. It's the kind of thoughts shapeshifters use to keep from getting too confused."

I wasn't sure if I followed that line of thought, much less agreed with it. But I still said, "Thank you."

"No worries. Thanks to you, too."

"Uh, for what?"
"Telling me why I turned into a girl all of a sudden. I thought for sure some really powerful mage either wanted me for a girlfriend or was just screwing with me. Anyway, I gotta get on home. See you around?"
"Sure...we do go to the same school." She laughed again, and started off toward her home. I went the other way to get to my home.

It was late, so I just went to bed that night. Since the next day was Saturday, I figured I could practice in the morning. So that's what I did. I turned back into the same Kayla from the last couple of nights, and then I decided to test something. I knew I wasn't attracted to girls, and it made sense that I would be attracted to guys, but I hadn't really checked. So I looked up some images of a few male actors that were supposed to be really good-looking. And...well...yeah. I was attracted to guys. Some of those pictures gave me feelings I had never had before, the kind only a girl can have I guess, and when that happened I could feel some heat in my cheeks. It felt...good, but very different and weird.

I had closed all of that out, and I was going to turn back, when my phone rang. I answered it by reflex, and Carla's voice was on the other end of the line.

"Hey, you wanna go shopping this afternoon?"


By now I realized what I'd done, and I tried to deepen my voice. "Uh, s-sure." It just sounded really silly, it was very obviously a girl imitating a guy's voice. I cleared my throat, and even that sounded undeniably girly.

"Are you okay, Kayla? Got something in your throat?"

I took a very small sigh of relief. "Uh, yeah, some water went down the wrong way a couple of minutes ago. I'll be alright." Now I was talking normally, my first time talking as a girl since that two-word phrase the first time I changed. It felt so...natural, and I was aware of how good my voice sounded just flowing like that. It was weird that I was thinking about my voice. As Kael, I don't really think of it at all. I guess it was because it was unfamiliar, because I don't have any memories of being this girl with the pretty voice. What I was going through here was different in that kind of way from what anyone I've changed has gone through.

"Okay, be ready in an hour," she said.

"Sure!"

I hung up and immediately changed back. I guess I could have just gone with it, stayed Kayla all day and taken cues about how she's supposed to act, but I really didn't want to deal with that that day. If I ever do something like that, I want it to be something I plan on doing, not just a spur of the moment decision. Then a copy of the conversation with me as a guy showed up in my memory, and Carla was asking if I wanted to play some video games over at her house. I shook my head to clear it.

So if I'm a girl everyone else remembers me as one, but if some event happens and I turn back, I remember a different version when I turn back into a guy, even though, for everyone I've changed, they and I both remember their lives as guys and as girls? I'm not really sure what that means.

I'm getting kind of off track from the reason I started this journal, but all of that stuff happened and I kept thinking I'd make an entry all about it, and I just never got around to it. Well, until today when I really had to make a journal. So...here's what happened today.

It was P.E. again. This time we were playing soccer. I should probably mention that our school does have a soccer team, and any sport fills the P.E. requirement, so when P.E. class plays soccer we aren't very good at it. One of the guys on the other team was one of the ones that I got that weird 6th sense about, so I tried to stay away from him. But then, when I wasn't looking, he ran straight into me.

This wasn't a small guy like Tim had been, and he was running full-tilt. I was knocked flat, but he was nice enough to stop to make sure I was okay.

I didn't want to change this guy. His hair was a tiny bit longer when I saw him holding his hand out to help me up, and while I was letting him help him up and insisting I was okay my mind was concentrated on one thought: don't change that guy. I watched him while I dusted myself off, and I didn't notice any changes, so I kept concentrating. I was happy, it looked like the practice was paying off. I wasn't really sure how long I had to keep saying it to keep some kind of delayed reaction from happening, so I kept on thinking don't change him. Every once in a while I would steal a glance at him, and at first I was sure it was still working. But then I noticed that his hair, and his shirt..looked paler than before. I kept trying to not change him anyway.

The next time I looked, they were even paler, his hair was down to shoulder length, and his jeans were turning black. And then, a few minutes later, his hair was halfway down his back, his shirt was tight and showed a chest that...wasn't quite flat. His pants, which looked like they were made of cloth by now, had this strip joining them in the middle, but only toward the top. The bottom was tighter on his legs, like it had shrunk a little bit. He was a pretty muscular guy, and his legs and stomach showed it with the tight clothes on him.

I saw him again, and his shirt and hair had both turned completely white. Those muscles were looking...well...deflated a little, and his stomach was narrower. His chest was two distinct little lumps now, and they were starting to move around a little bit when he ran. There was a seam between the lower part of his pants and the upper part now, and the upper part was turning red.

I kept trying to stop it, I even tried concentrating on turning him back to completely male. But it didn't do any good. It wasn't long before his hair reached his hips. His shirt got buttons all the way down the middle, and the top and bottom parts of his pants separated entirely. Now he was wearing a short skirt and hose, and the skin showing between them was smooth and hairless (as far as I could tell, from sneaking a short look). His arms were, too. I could barely see a hint of the muscles he'd had before. The skirt didn't hide the fact that his hips were wider than before, and the tight shirt made very clear the fact that his chest was now two very pronounced globes. I wasn't even sure he was still male. He was yelling something about the game, I don't remember what, but his voice had officially crossed over.

It wasn't much longer before a ribbon showed up in his hair, and another one in front of the now very big chest. Okay, by now they were boobs. And the skirt had a frilly black fringe, pleats, and some kind of checkered pattern of shades of red. His arms and legs had none of the muscle from before, and they were girly thin. Well, okay, they should have been. I wasn't looking at a changing guy anymore, now she was completely changed.


My memory of being run over by him got a copy where I was run into by her, and she kind of leaned her upper body back while she was helping me up...almost like she was trying to get me to look up her skirt. I remembered very pointedly not looking that way, but not exactly how she reacted to that. I think she noticed me looking at her again after gym was over, and she got this..smirk on her face, and stuck her tongue out at me just a little bit. I looked away as fast as I could.

Was she flirting with me? Less than half an hour after turning into a girl? That was what I was thinking when a bunch of thoughts suddenly flashed through my head all at once. First I suddenly remembered the first time Carlos became Carla, she just kissed me. Carla always teases me, but never went that far since or again. And is being grateful for getting a new start the only reason Rio is trying to help me out? And was Sarah looking at me when she blushed? Why did Rhia single me out as looking 'cute'?

I had to take a deep breath to keep myself from having a panic attack, and I promised I would think about it when I had time. Just then, I really needed to get to my next class. I managed to keep it out of my mind by constantly focusing on something else all the time, but I guess now I have time to think about it. What does it mean? Am I imagining half of these things, or is the fact that I'm slightly more muscular than before from whatever happened the second time I turned into Kayla and back really that huge a difference in how girls look at me? Or is it because something about my power actually makes the people I change suddenly become attracted to me?

Okay, to be honest that was the first thing that jumped in my head. But I really don't want that to be true. It makes the whole imposing-my-idea-of-beauty that much worse, and it raises even worse questions. Is my power literally good for nothing but being a huge pervert? Is the entire freaking universe encouraging me to be one? I really hope not.

That's all I really have for tonight. I need to do some thinking. Maybe I'll come up with something, or maybe Rio will find something that explains everything. Whatever happens, it'll probably be in the next entry I guess.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Girls Only

This one's unusually long, or at least it sure seems like it is. But it is two separate changes in one, so I guess it makes sense for it to be so long.